Pitch R- Only Human

ONLY HUMAN
YA Thriller
59,000 words

QUERY:
Elaina Andrews never thought she would see her former best friend, Cole Hudson, again – not after he ditched her to join the “in” crowd in high school. However, one year after graduation, the two find themselves thrust together while on a camping trip with mutual friends…one of whom winds up brutally murdered. Isolated and alone in the wilderness, Elaina and Cole must work together to avoid becoming victims themselves. While dealing with the aftermath, Elaina realizes that there is much more to Cole than meets the eye. As they rekindle and mend an old friendship, a serial killer is still lurking in the background, waiting for that oh-so-perfect moment to strike.

FIRST 150:
My suitcases were empty. All of the belongings I would possibly need for the summer were tucked away neatly in the appropriate drawers that had been put to good use over the years, but had been neglected for quite some time now. As I sat on the bed in a room that hadn’t been inhabited in a year, though, I couldn’t quite grasp the fact that I was truly home. Not much had changed in my absence: the faded pink comforter on my bed was the same, pictures of old high school friends were still taped to my floor length mirror, and the white carpet was still plush and fluffy between my toes. And while I knew my parents would always welcome me into this house with eager and open arms, it no longer held that sense of this is where I belong. That saddened me.

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5 thoughts about "Pitch R- Only Human"

  • Indigo says:

    Though the query is too short, it does the job by showing character, conflict, and choice. You have a lot of room, though, to add to each. As for the 1st 150, I think you can go with less set up and more conflict, more tension.

  • Writerlicious says:

    Sounds like it’d make a great movie one day! Have you ever thought of pitching it as New Adult since they’re out of high school? Best of luck to you:-)

  • Jammy Dodgers says:

    Query: Overall, I like it. It’s a little short but I did I find a few places you could strengthen it.

    (age) Elaina Andrews never thought she would see her former best friend, Cole Hudson, again – not after he ditched her to join the “in” crowd in high school. But, one year after graduation, Cole shows up on a camping trip that Elaina and her friends are taking to get away from some of the stress of a local murder-spree. (That sentence is choppy and I made it all up. I just need a reason why they are going, or something to flesh out that sentence some more.)

    (How does Elaina feel about seeing Cole again? What are her thoughts/emotions? What are their attitudes toward each other? Are they tense? One or two good lines about this will really amp up the tension.

    Seeing Cole wasn’t on Elaina’s to-do list, and his smug attitude and sarcastic remarks are ruining her trip. And then, one of her friends ends up dead. Isolated and alone in the wilderness, Elaina and Cole are the only ones left, and they must work together to avoid becoming victims themselves. (I’m assuming there were only three people on the trip? If not, you should add that clarification somewhere.)

    Elaina realizes that there is much more to Cole than meets the eye. (Why? What sparks this on? Insert a line before this line about that.) As they rekindle and mend an old friendship, a serial killer is still lurking in the background, waiting for that oh-so-perfect moment to strike. And Elaina is next on the list.

    FIRST 150: I’m on the fence. In one instance I like it, but in the other, I don’t think it would be enough to draw me into the story immediately. Maybe open it up where she notices that Cole is on the trip? That’s one suggestion. Thrust us into the story and the action.

  • Author says:

    Thanks for the feedback, you guys! I really appreciate it.

    Writerlicious, I have considered that, actually. I hesitated in the beginning because when I started querying OH, New Adult was still very iffy. Now that it’s becoming more prevalent, it could be a possibility.

  • Juliana says:

    New Adult definitely seems like a good idea to consider.

    I’d suggest using the traditional query format (with the three paragraphs). You have a great hook here, but I think you can expand on it a bit- give us a few more sentences of what happens in the book. (I, for one, want to more about this serial killer business).

    Please let me know if you need any other help! And be sure to stop by today for the birthday giveaway 🙂

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