Pitch U- Fractured Myths

FRACTURED MYTHS
83,000 WORDS
YA CONTEMPORARY ARTHURIAN

QUERY:
When sixteen-year-old fantasy enthusiast Alanna O’Connor sees Vikings, medieval knights, and mythological creatures appear in her hometown of Edinburgh, Scotland, she thinks it’s a miracle . . . until they try to kill her. At that moment, she no longer cares about her cancelled birthday plans, her latest tattoo, or even the charming teenage boy she met earlier. All her drama is cast aside as she fights for her life and sanity.

Alanna realizes that when she climbed the legendary mountaintop called Arthur’s Seat, she unwittingly helped open the doorway to Otherworld and unleashed the rampaging monsters. Terrified and plagued by guilt over the ensuing slaughter, she teams up with the one person she knows she can trust: the newly arrived (and completely baffled) King Arthur.

As they battle centaurs, goblins, and a red dragon, Alanna confronts the truth about what happened to King Arthur and the other characters while they were in Otherworld. Arthur has splintered memories from his legendary life that do not fit together into a single lifetime. He is a fictional version of himself and is as lost as anyone—a fractured myth who needs Alanna’s guidance as much as she needs his expertise. Alanna must put the pieces together and close the passageway between worlds before it is made permanent and Alanna’s city—if not all reality—is fractured beyond repair.

FIRST 150 WORDS:
Alanna O’Connor spun around, her long auburn hair taking sudden flight, and planted her thin palm against the castle’s sandstone wall, blocking Zoë’s path.
The steady procession up the castle walkway shifted uncertainly before circumnavigating the strange pair. Given the wide breadth underneath the massive stone arch, the tourists’ glaring condemnation seemed excessive, Alanna thought, especially the young boy’s—a snarled brow that screamed, Out of the way! You shouldn’t even be here!
But Alanna had good reason for her abrupt stop, and if she belonged anywhere, she felt certain it was at Edinburgh Castle.
“Wait a bloody second,” she said, ignoring the disgruntled pedestrians. She leaned in on Zoë, taking advantage of her position slightly uphill. “You mean you got zapped by lightning doing this? As in, you were setting up this same contraption we’re working with right now, thenBoom! God went Old Testament on you?”
Zoë tried skirting around, but Alanna anticipated every bob and weave and easily thwarted her older companion’s attempts.

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7 thoughts about "Pitch U- Fractured Myths"

  • Marlowe says:

    This has my vote.

  • Writerlicious says:

    You’ve got my vote!!

  • Indigo says:

    Query has the character, conflict, and choice. I think the one thing it lacks is an explanation as to why the passageway opened and how it relates to Alanna.

    In your 1st 150, rely less on adjectives and adverbs and more on active verbs. Also, the second paragraph feels a bit disjointed. There’s no clue to the tourists until you mention their condemnation, which is vague. So you do need to set the scene, but while you don’t want to overdo with too many adjectives, you do want to show who’s there, why, and how they all relate. Then jump into the dialogue once a connection has been made.

  • Jammy Dodgers says:

    YOU’VE GOT MY VOTE!!

  • Juliana says:

    Oh gosh, I would have died for a book like this in early high school. It sounds so awesome!

    My only suggestion is that you can cut, “At that moment, she no longer cares about…for her life and sanity.” It might add to her voice, but it doesn’t show much as to what happens in the story (and pulled me away from the hook you laid down so nicely in the first sentences!)

    Please give me a holler if you need anything! And be sure to stop by the blog for the birthday giveaway today :)

  • Carrie-Anne says:

    I’m normally not into fantasy, but this is just the type of fantasy book I’d be interested in reading.

  • Thanks, everybody! Your support and encouragement have been wonderful. With so many other exciting GUTGAA entries, I’m surprised and honored to make it into the next round.
    This has already been a long journey and it is far from over. To all the writers out there, “Keep it up!” I can’t tell you how much revising I’ve done. In fact, I think I’m a “reviser” instead of a “writer.”
    Sincerely,
    Craig Schmidt
    whyawrite.wordpress.com

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