Pitch C- Kiya: Hope of the Pharaoh

Kiya: Hope of the Pharaoh
YA Historical Romance
87,000

Query:
When Naomi is faced with her younger sisters being abducted to be wives to the crazed Pharaoh, she intervenes by offering herself to protect them from the cruel and perverted life of the palace.

In the palace, Naomi finds herself thrust into the intrigues of the royal family. She is savvy and bright, so the Great Queen Nefertiti perceives Naomi to be her greatest threat. But Naomi refuses to submit to her physical and emotional abuse. She becomes beloved by the Pharaoh, who declares that she will bear him his heir. Nefertiti, furious with jealousy, schemes to destroy Naomi and even brings her fidelity into question, which could cost Naomi her very life.

Naomi must play the deadly game carefully. She is in a silent battle of wills, and a struggle for who will one day inherit the crown. And when she does bear an heir, she must fight to protect him as well as herself from Nefertiti who is out for blood.

150 Words:
I sprinted through the dusty, narrow streets. My two younger sisters were hot on my trail, their footsteps sliding in the dirt as they took the corners, their hands occasionally slapping the mud brick walls for balance. I took a sharp turn and headed for the abandoned temple district.
I rounded a corner and came face to face with the grand gates to the Temple of Bast, where I paused. It had been only a few years since we Hebrews had not been allowed into that sector of Thebes, and I still felt apprehensive to enter.
“Naomi!” my sister, Rena screeched as she saw me step up into the gateway of the temple. “Don’t go in there!”
I reached out and touched the smooth stone wall. “Are you afraid I will be struck down by Bast for being unworthy to enter?”
“Yes!” she hissed. “Well, maybe not Bast but… you know what I mean.”

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15 thoughts about "Pitch C- Kiya: Hope of the Pharaoh"

  • Erin Butler says:

    Your query has some passive voice in it, which needs fixing. For example, the first paragraph should read something like, “When Naomi’s sisters are almost abducted by the crazed Pharoah, who wants them as wives, Naomi offers herself up to protect them from the cruel and perverted life of the palace.” Do you see the difference?

    I hope this helps! Good luck!!

  • Katie Teller says:

    Yeah that first sentence is the bane of my existence. I’ve tried it so many ways and it still doesn’t feel right. Maybe this would be better: To save her sisters from being taken to the cruel life of the palace, Naomi intervenes and gives herself to be a wife of the crazed Pharaoh.

    • Stacey says:

      Do a little research into passive voice. “Being taken” is what’s wrong here, because the action is haping to them- instead of someone doing the action. It can be okay sometimes, in the right situation, but here it’s not. It reads oddly. (P.s I’m no expert on this, but I believe I’ve got it right here)

      “When Naomi’s sisters are abducted, Naomi offers to take their place- as the wife of the crazed Pharoh. Or something like this would work. ”

      “Wanting to save her sisters from a cruel life, Naomi offers herself as the new wife of a crazed Pharoh.”

      I think there are a lot of options here, just stay away from the word “being”.

  • Jenny says:

    Yah, your story sounds so AWESOME! I seriously want to read it. But you have got to get that first line nailed down.

    I found when I had trouble with mine (and we all do! Who can get a whole book in two blurbs in the first try?!) I broke things down to the bare bones. Short sentences like my 5 year old would write. At one point I even just made a list of bullet points of the most important plot points I wanted to hit. Then I went from there.

    Sometimes we start with these big run on sentences filled with adjectives and try to pare down. Sometimes it’s better to start with the basics and build up, carefully adding just the right word here and there to enhance the query.

    Keep at it! You’re on the right track. You have what sounds like an awesome book here! Queries are a monster all their own.

  • Indigo says:

    Your query is a good length but has room for more content. First, add some characterization in the first paragraph. Who is Naomi (a Hebrew), where is she from, who are her parents, something that would give her character besides saving her sisters. Other than that, the only thing I think it lacks is a clear choice she must make and the consequences that might result from it. Your last para is a bit vague for me. Be specific.

    Your story reminds me of a YA version of Colin Falconer’s The Sultan’s Harem and When We Were Gods.

    And though there’s not a lot of tension in your first 150 words, there is action, so I’d keep reading.

  • Katie Teller says:

    *shrieks!* a judge said she’d read more! Faints…

  • Katie Teller says:

    how about if I were to throw in something like this after that opening sentence – She is the oldest daughter of direct line of Israel and as her father’s favorite child, she is well-educated and knows she is the closest thing her people have to a princess. ?

  • Writerlicious says:

    I thought your query and first page sounded VERY interesting. I’m down to my last two votes and having a hard time deciding . . . I want to vote for 4 more, lol! Hmm, I may be back. In any case, best of luck with this story:-)

  • Katie Teller says:

    Is bribery acceptable? 😛

  • Jess Schira says:

    I think you have what sounds like a great story, and I wish you luck. I was quite impressed with the first 150 words.

  • Juliana says:

    Hey lady! You’ve got some awesome comments to far. The biggest thing I noticed in your query is a need for clarification of pronouns. As an example, “But Naomi refuses to submit to her physical and emotional abuse. She becomes beloved by the Pharaoh…” The ‘She’ in the second sentence actually refers to Nefertiti, not Naomi. Go back through and make sure you’re being really clear on that front!

  • Katie Teller says:

    soooo…. how does this look?

    To save her younger sisters from being taken to the cruel life of the palace, Naomi intervenes and gives herself to be a wife of the erratic Pharaoh. She is the oldest daughter of the direct line of Israel, and as her father’s favorite child, she is well-educated and knows she is the closest thing her people have to a princess.

    In the palace, Naomi finds herself thrust into the intrigues of the royal family. She is savvy and bright, so the Great Queen Nefertiti perceives Naomi to be her greatest threat. But Naomi refuses to submit to Nefertiti’s physical and emotional abuse. Naomi becomes beloved by the Pharaoh, who declares that she will bear him his heir. Nefertiti, furious with jealousy, schemes to destroy Naomi and even brings her fidelity into question, which could cost Naomi her very life.

    Naomi must play the deadly game carefully. She is in a silent battle of wills, and a struggle for who will one day inherit the crown. And when she does bear an heir, she must fight to protect him as well as herself from Nefertiti who is out for blood.

  • Terri K. Rowe says:

    I think this would make a great novel. I am also impressed with your query and learned a lot by reading your entry. 🙂

  • Katie Teller says:

    Thanks Terri. I’m a bit bummed about it coz I got bombarded today by rejections for it. Your comment lifted my spirits. 🙂

  • Katie Teller says:

    Oh and the heir is Tutankhamen, just for curiosity’s sake. 🙂

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