Pitch F- Dwarfed

DWARFED
Young Contemporary Adult Romance
88,514
Query
Sixteen year old Grace Sullivan doesn’t care that she’s a dwarf. She has more important things to worry about, like adding increasingly elaborate illusions to the jester routine she performs at the Renaissance Faire. When her parents pull her from the Faire and enroll her in public school Grace discovers not that not everyone can look past her stature and see her real value. To her classmates she’s an oddity, a freak. Grace can’t escape the weight of their stares, or the sound of their whispers.

It’s easy to sink into a pit of self-doubt and depression. Grace wallows in defeatism for little while before realizing it’s not her style. Letting others dictate her life goes against Grace’s nature so she gets angry. She’s more than a number on a measuring stick, and she knows exactly how to prove it. At the upcoming talent show she’s going to perform an illusion as unique as herself.

The only person capable of realizing that there’s more to Grace than short legs is Luke Searc, a cute farmhand. His laid back attitude makes it possible for Grace to relax, to be herself. He encourages her to to seek out the respect he knows she deserves. Somehow, amid feeding pigs, working the bugs out the complicated illusion she wants to perform, and long discussion about Shakespeare, something changes. She starts considering Luke as more than a friend. It’s an attraction she knows will always be one sided. Grace knows there’s no way an average sized guy, especially not one as cute and sweet as Luke, would ever be attracted to a girl like her.

Dwarfed is a contemporary YA fictional story with the feel of a modern day heimatfilm. In addition to Grace, it features a cast of characters that includes a traumatized duck, a one-eyed aunt with a snarky attitude, and the cutest pig since Wilbur. The story is told entirely from Grace’s point of view as she struggles to deal with her feelings for Luke, the sensation of feeling isolated while in the middle of a room full of people, and that some people will never be able to see past her physical traits.

150 Word Excerpt

The last time the guillotine was used for an execution was 1977. Discontinuing the machine was a mistake. If the machine hadn’t been discontinued, I could volunteer my neck to test the blade, anything to get rid of my headache.
“Are you okay?”
Turn my head triggering a knife-sharp bolt of pain that spears up the back of my neck, zips around my skull, and bursts out of my left eye. It takes several deep breaths before the pain recedes. I meet my Great Aunt Maggie’s concerned eyes.
“I’m fine,” I lie.
“Are you sure? You’re pale.”
“Dat’s not surprising,” Maggie’s sister-in-law, Etna, says in her thick, Upper Peninsula accent. She adjusts her black silk eye patch. A few people appear rakish while wearing an eye patch. Most seem ridiculous. Etna looks fearsome, probably because she’s not wearing the patch as part of costume, but to cover the empty hole where her left eye should be.

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8 thoughts about "Pitch F- Dwarfed"

  • Katie Teller says:

    This is a very unique concept. It shows that people who may look different are still the same as anyone else.
    A few things for improvements sake:
    It needs to be proof read again. There were words missing, extra the’s etc.
    I wouldn’t use the phrase “for little while”. (note it should be “for A little while” this is what I meant by missing words) I’d say “for a time” or something like that.
    I’d also cut that last paragraph.

    The 150 words are great. Well written. I love the guillotine reference.

  • Pat Esden says:

    I love that she is forced to leave the Faire and cope in a traditional world. Usually stories are about the reverse. Great premise.

    I agree with Katie about cutting the last paragraph.

    Also I suggest you tweak the first sentence in the third paragraph. It almost sounds like it’s from Luke’s pov. How does she know he’s seeing beyond her looks? What does he do which shows her that he’s seeing more?

  • Jen says:

    I really like this idea. It’s unique and sounds great. I actually like the first two sentences of the last paragraph. I think you can delete the rest. Also, in the query, the third paragraph about Luke seems unfinished. Like you’ve left off a major event. I’m left wondering why he’s important, are they going to date or will he hurt her?

  • Indigo says:

    Proofread your query and first 150 words aloud for errors, and add in some commas in your query to separate your dependent clauses from the independent ones. That said, you have wonderful character in the first para, and well-defined conflict in the second, but the third para falls apart a bit. There’s too much characterization here where there should a clear choice that needs to be made, including the consequences. Also, the total query should be about 250 words, including the housekeeping. You tap in at 270 at the end of the third para with 362 total. So tighten it up and get rid of all the extra detail. Focus on the heart of the conflict only. It’s all there. It just needs some editing. As for the housekeeping, only list the genre, the word count and possible comparable titles. Do not tell what the query should already show.

    As for the first 150, I’d skip the guillotine bit and dive right into the physical pain. Set the scene a bit then show how she’s experiencing the pain of her headache and how it makes her feel. Jumping into dialogue too quickly can backfire if the reader cannot identify with the characters.

  • Writerlicious says:

    My major thoughts on this seem to be summed up already. I think your story has a lot of potential, but be sure to pay attention to those grammar/technical suggestions:-)

  • Kate Simpson says:

    I’ve never read a book like this before. You’ve certainly come up with something unique! I just think the query is a little too long. I think you could tighten it without losing anything of the story.

  • Juliana says:

    Hey! Your query has improved so much! I think you can still tighten this a bit more, though. As an example: “She starts considering Luke as more than a friend. It’s an attraction she knows will always be one sided. Grace knows there’s no way an average sized guy, especially not one as cute and sweet as Luke, would ever be attracted to a girl like her.” All of that can be boiled down to: “When Grace starts feeling more for Luke, she pulls away, under the belief that he could never like someone like her.” Words in a query are precious, make sure you’re using them carefully 🙂

    Hit me up if you need anything! And be sure to stop by the blog tomorrow for the birthday giveaway!

  • Terri K. Rowe says:

    I like that you have chosen a unique voice to lead the story.

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